Welcome to Valerie
Monday, August 10, 2020

Ask Valerie
 Browse FAQs Categories     
Home  Etiquette Print Selected FAQs
  My fiancee and I are going to get married on St. Thomas in the USVI. It will be a private ceremony with just the two of us. We would like to send an announcement to our friends and family members about our marriage. We plan on having a reception at a later date that is yet to be determined. Should we include a registry with the announcement or wait until we determine the date of the reception which will probably be about two months after the wedding?
  What is the appropriate way to sign a shower gift card for your husbands adult niece? This is a second marriage for both me & my husband. I do not know his brother, sister-in-law and niece well although I have been with my husband for 7 years. My dilemma is whether to sign the card "Aunt" or just my given name. I don't want it to appear that I don't want to be referred to as "Aunt". The situation is a bit convoluted as my husbands ex-wife is still part of the family and is considered the "aunt" and is actually hosting the shower. She has known the bride to be since birth, whereas I have only been around for 7 years and have not been an inetgral part of the brides life. Actually I have only met her a handful of times. The bride is the daughter of my husbands brother. Your help is greatly appreciated.
  I want to invite some of my friends to my future D-I-L's shower but I can't invite them to the wedding because we work weekends and the wedding is on their weekend to work . Is it okay to invite them to the shower but not the wedding? MIL
  Hi Valerie, My son and his fiancée were given a large sum of money from the bride’s father to spend on there wedding however they see fit. They decided to have a destination wedding in Cancun to save money so they could use the rest on a down payment for a house. The resort where they are staying is all inclusive and covers all the expenses and is quite expensive. Now they are telling my ex wife that we are responsible for the flowers and the photographer which she does not have a problem with but l do. Not only is this an expensive destination which means that no one from my side of the family will be able to attend, l am not even sure if l can afford to go much less pay for half of the flowers and the photographer. I’m at a loss here because l want to see my son get married but l think there being unreasonable and thoughtless of others with in the family. What is the protocol for these types of situations? I am leaning towards just telling them l can not afford to go and just stay home. Thank you, George
  Brides parents are paying for everything, from posting the engagement announcement in the newspaper, to paying for all vendors at the entire wedding. Groom's family is paying for rehersal dinner and flowers. If the 12 bridesmaids ask mother of bride for help with the bridal shower, could she decline?
  We have a dilemma in planning my daughters wedding/reception. The church we are members at frowns at dancing at the receptions. This would be very offensive to many people there. However, neither my daughter, her fiance' nor both families have a problem with it. My daughter and her fiance' want dancing at the reception. My daughter wants to make everyone happy. It seems we are in a no win situation. If we have wedding at a different venue (with a stranger marrying them) and invite everyone and let them choose to come or not we will still offend people because they wont understand why she isn't getting married at her church she is active in and probably hurting the pastors feelings too (who is a very loving person) My daughter doesn't like the idea of having the ceremony at a different venue. Her "idea wedding" would be at her church with the reception following including everyone, but because of the dancing involved this would not be acceptable and because of church rules, the pastor would probably not be allowed to marry them or us use the church. The only solution I could think of would be to have two receptions. Would it be wrong to have two receptions. One in the basement with finger food, dessert etc and then later that day, by special invitation, still have a sit down dinner followed by dancing at a different venue for family and close out of town friends (who would not be offended by the dancing)? We are trying to make everyone happy and include everyone, but still have what my daughter wants. Any help or thoughts will be much appreciated! We need to know what is etiquette.
  another question, me and my fh have been living together for over three years now, needless to say we have everything a married couple would need, toaster, pots, pans etc. etc. etc. So we will not be registering anywhere, is word of mouth the best way to let my guest know that IF they wanted to bring a gift, to just give money? Nothing should be placed in the invitation about it correct?
  Hi Valerie. I got married on 1/11/09 and asked you a question awhile ago (before I got married) and I appreciated your answer, so I decided to come to you with a post-wedding question. Our wedding was very small, we only invited about 50 people, 40 of which RSVPed that they would be attending. My husband invited about 10 of the guys that he works with and they all RSVPed that they would come. Come wedding day, even after my husband reminded these men over and over, 7 of them did not show up (a few of them were also bringing guests which had been added to the final count). I was using a very expensive caterer (one of the reasons it was a small wedding) but I had to have a minimum amount of people attending, which was 35 people. Because these guys from work did not show up, I not only had to pay for thier food and drinks (we also had an open bar, charged by the person prior to the wedding) but I had an additional fee added on because I did not meet the minimum person requirement the day of the wedding. These guys cost us about an extra $1500 by not showing. Not to mention we had a table where only 2 guests ended up seated which was embarrassing. My husband was not involved in the planning (well, not the financial end of it) so he doesn't really understand how big a deal it was, he mainly blames the caterers and their policy. He is still friendly with these guys from work who never said more than "sorry man, I forgot". I on the other hand, am furious. I have to see these guys when I go to see my husband at work or at work related functions. Should I say something to them or just try to let it go? I don't want to make my husband uncomfortable at work, but part of me is just incredulous at their rude behavior. It has also been awhile since the wedding, so maybe too much time has passed to worry about it any longer. It just irks me when I am still paying off he wedding and have to see that extra money on our credit card bills. Please advise me what I should do here! Thanks!
  I just got back from my daughter's wedding, it was very small but very nice and personal. But I notice the groom's father wasn't wearing a suit jacket at all, just a shirt and tie. I was wearing a suit. Do you think the groom's father was trying to insult me. He also wanted a picture of me and the groom and himself taking out are inside liner of our pockets, what does this mean! I been out of work for over a year and told my daughter that I would not be able to help with the wedding. I'm deeply hurt in the matter that I couldn't help pay for the wedding. But my daughter told me not to worry about it. Do you think the groom's father made a bad judgement.
  Our younger daughter is getting married this year and her older sister and her sister's fiancee are both in the wedding. Our older daughter is getting married next year. Should our younger daughter invite the parents of her sister's fiancee to the wedding and does our older sister need to invite the parents of what will then be her sister-n-law's parents? The two sets of parents have been in each other's company once and live in different states.
  Hi Val I am 47 yrs old about to marry the man of my dreams I lost my mom at my birth my father has been a great dad . But my dilemma is he has been married 3 times wife 2 played a major role in my life and that of my children. Wife 2 we split on bad terms about 25yrs ago but have since re=connected and I could not have pulled off this wedding without her .And his present wife well lets just say we tolerate one another. My question is how should I list these women on the wedding day profram (mothers ot the bride) 0r just pick 1, without hurt feelings or disrespect????
  Hello Valerie, My parents are paying for a significant portion of my wedding. My fiance's parents may or may not chip in, and my finace and I are covering the rest of the costs. Recently my fiance had a disagreement with my parents about the guest list. My parents feel that guests should be invited that may be related to either the bride or the groom, but that may not have a personal relationship with us. My fiance feels that these guests should not be invited, and that the guests that are invited should know one of us personally. He told my parents that the bride's side could do this, but he personally would not allow his parents to invite anyone that he didn't know well enough to have a conversation with. First of all, I tend to agree with my parents that the our wedding is a celebration for them as well, and that they should be able to share this day with others. I tend to disagree that they get involved with my fiance's decision to only include people he knows very well. What are your suggestions? I really want everyone to get along and for the process to go as smoothly as possible. I don't want there to be any problems between my parents and my faince, especially since I currently have a very strong relationship with both.
  My daughter has to postpone her wedding, the bridal shower is in 3 days. The cake and all decos and presents are paid for. Should we go ahead and have the shower, or call everyone and cancel?She is still getting married but not for a few months now.
  my best friend of over 10 years has asked me to be her maid of honor. i'm thrilled...but less than thrilled about the dress situation. she hasn't picked any out yet but I will be the biggest girl (weight and chest size). i tried suggesting a halter style or something that I wouldn't bust out of. she told me that i could look at style and then told me i was overstepping. I don't know what to do. I'm not about to stand up as her made of honor in a dress that my boobs and everything else are falling out of.
  We are discussing a Sunday garden wedding, possibly in the morning, and am concerned about the logistics of decorating, etc. Is a Sunday morning wedding considered appropriate? If so, are there any guidelines you can offer. With a morning wedding, we would have a lunch reception.
  Please help me! I have lived with Gil for 28 years. He was married to Kay all of these years, but never bothered to get a divorce for several reasons--money, her health, laziness. After many years, we all became friendly, and all had truly wonderful relationships. Unfortunately, in October, she suddenly passed away. Gil and I are now planning a July wedding. We did not want to immediately get married, so felt that nine months would be a "proper time," although there is nothing really "proper" about our situation. We are getting married at a reception hall by a judge. We are planning on having family and a few close friends (maybe 75-100 people), although everyone we know wants to attend, to see it to believe it, after all of these years. Most of the attendees will be from in town, although there may be a small amount of people coming in from out of town. Gil has 2 kids, 2 stepkids and 4 grandkids who we both adore. I have never been married, so I would like to have a wedding, not just go downtown or elope. We don't need or want anything, so we plan on putting "no gifts" on the invitations. I assume this is ok? Is it ok for me to wear an informal white wedding dress? If not, any suggestions? Do we need to have a rehearsal and/or a rehearsal dinner? What about my friends who have said they want to have a shower for me? What would be acceptable? Any advise you have for us would be greatly appreciated. I realize this is an unusual situation.
  Hi Valerie, I am in a bit of an unexpected dilemma. I have already sent out save the date cards for my wedding which is to take place on July 25, 2009. We have found out that we are pregnant, (totally unplanned) and have thought over our "big wedding". We have decided that having 200 people and paying so much is not a smart thing to do with a new baby in the picture. We still want to get married on this day but want to scale down the list of guests. Is there any way to un-invite some of the guests due to the situation? I was thinking maybe sending pregnancy announcements stating that we are having a more intimate wedding due to the unexpected arrival of our baby?? Please help!!
  In today's age of blended families it seems this must come up for a lot of brides. Assuming everyone is qualified, what is the correct order of choice for the brides escort down the isle? In my case my natural daughter chose to have her mother walk her down the isle rather than choose between her natural dad and her step dad for fear of hurting one or the other. Both dads are now equally hurt. How will the guests perceive this, perhaps both dads are worthless?
  Hi Valerie! Ok, here's my question(s), This is my 2nd wedding, fiance's 1st, he wants to get married at his church, which is baptist and I am Catholic, which doesn't matter. He wants an old fashioned "big" wedding and since it's my 2nd I wanted a more private beach wedding. We cannot agree at all! He wants several people in the wedding too, and I was hoping for maybe 2. HELP! What's the etiquette for these situations??
  What is the spacing etiquette between weddings within the same family? The first one is the bride and groom's first marriage. The second is the groom's second marriage and the bride's first.
  Our daughter's fiance' is stationed in Japan with the Navy. Originally, they planned their wedding for 2010 when he returns. They can't be apart that long so when he comes home for 2 weeks in Dec. They plan on having a very small, family ceremony at home while he is here and she will return with him to Japan. In 2010, when they return to the states they will go with their original plans for "the big day" inviting EVERYONE. Is there a way to announce their marriage now and include their future plans for their "formal wedding" in 2010. We have many "family friends" and friends who would love to know of their marriage and move to Japan, but also would be disappointed not having shared in the big day so I'd like them to know "the big day" is in the future for all to share.
  We are putting the engagement announcement in the paper and have come upon a problem. How would you list parents of the groom if the mother has remarried but kept the last name of the ex-husband? This means the divorced parent have the same last name and the stepfather has a different name. Should the stepfather be listed at all?
  Hello Valerie, What is the etiquette on wearing your wedding gown at a post wedding reception? Thanks
  I am the mother of the groom, and my husband and I are hosting the Rehearsal Dinner. It is being held at a Yacht Club, and therefore is not a formal situation. The caterer requires the guests' choice of entree one week ahead of time. I want to have place cards for each person attending. On the back will be a code or sticker for the waiters to identify that guest's entree choice. This also prevents switching choices. My question is: How do I address the place cards? James Smith or Mr. James Smith? Mary Smith or Mrs. James Smith? I greatly appreciate your response. Thank you. Dorothy
  Hi Valerie, I'm getting married in August and I'm trying to figure out the correct etiquette for wording on my invitations. My mother passed away 7 years ago and my dad got remarried 4 years ago. My stepmom is wonderful and has contributed immensely to my wedding, but I want to include my mom's name on the invitations as well. Can you help me with how I could mention both of them properly? Thank you!
  Valerie, currently we are going to classes through our church which are required prior to our wedding. We meet at a couples home weekly. Is it proper etiquette that we extend an invitation to them to our wedding?
  We are having a fairly large wedding (200) and are having a real problem with who to invite. I am close to my aunt and 2 of my cousins but not the other 2 cousins can I just invite the 2 I am close too? What about just inviting some people to the church and the dance and not the meal part is this ok??
  Our minister has been retired for 13 years. We really would love him to officiate at our wedding. He livesout of town. Do we pay for his airfare or transportation to our destination? Do we also invitehis wife and pay for her airfare?
  Do the parents of the bride and groom give them a wedding gift in addition to paying for the ceremony, reception, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon?
  Hi Valerie! For our wedding, my finace would like our guests in lieu of gifts to donate a dollar amount to go towards the down pymt of our first home. I think it is a good idea but would also like to register as we need simple things in addition i do not want our guest to feel pressured with deciding a dollar amount to give. They could use the gift registry. Is it bad etiquette to do this and/or both and how does one word this?
  Do you have to have the traditional bouget and garder toss?
  i am wondering, i have a few girls that i am inviting just to the reception. (not to the cermony or dinner), can i still invite them to the bachlorette party, and bridal shower? or is it only "proper ettiquette" to invite the guests that are invited to everything?
  We live in Michigan. Our son has asked a lovely girl to marry him. She said yes! He has been living in Texas for the past three years. Our future daughter-n-law also lives in Texas The wedding will be in Texas in September of 2008. We have a large extended family and a large church family. How to we go about letting people know of the up coming wedding? Is there an appropriate way to find out who might be able to attend the wedding. Is it okay to have a bridal shower for the couple in Michigan?
  Hi, this is Amanda. My dad has two sisters and I was wondering if it was rude to only invite one of them. I am not close to one at all and haven't spoken to her or my uncle in years. However my other aunt and her still speak, so she will find out that the other one was invited. What do I do?
  Should you buy the host of your bridal shower a thank you gift? Thank you!
  We are planning a somewhat large wedding for our daughter to take place next year. Everything has been booked, location, caterer, band, etc. We have found out that our daughter and fiancee have secretly gotten married at a court house due to his being in the military and the need for them to get "paperwork" done in case he is deployed. They are still wanting to have the ceremony next year with all the guest, etc. At first I said "no" and that I would support having the reception only. But as friends and family are finding out, they are all saying to let them have the religious ceremony. If we do this, I do not want to deceive the guests. Should we allow this (and pay for it)? And if so, how should the invitations read? Thank you for your help.
  is it appropriate to give everyone in the reception a wedding favor? Example vendors, or only couples.
  My daughter is getting married this October. We are in the process of getting back all of the response cards. The other day we received a response card that was addressed to MR & MRS. X. and only MR. & MRS. X. The card came back stating that not 2, but 4 would be attending the wedding...Their adult daughter and her boyfriend. (They were not on the invitation list). My future son-in-law has a very "Oh well." attitude about it. We are the one's who are paying for the entire wedding....my daughter is appalled at the arrogance...my husband is really mad...and the future in-laws are also of the...well, they responded, there's nothing that can be done...they ARE friends of the family. We, like most families, are on a budget, which was explained to the bride, groom, and his parents! What is the correct way to handle this situation? Please advise.
  Hi Valerie, we are having our wedding in Hawaii and I was wondering if it was proper to invite everyone that we would of invited if we were having it in our hometown. I know some people can't afford a trip to Hawaii so I don't want them to think I'm just inviting them for a presant.
  Hello, Valerie, I was trying to keep our wedding in Honolulu simple with only one maid of honor and one Best Man. I was also not going to have a flower girl or ring bearer. Is there something wrong with that?
  If Iwas a bridesmaid or maid of honor in someone's wedding, is it proper etiquette to ask them to be in my wedding?
  At the bridal shower are the brides attendants responsible for purchasing things for the wedding? Cake cutters, etc?????
  My daughter has just gotten engaged. They would like to get married in Febuary of 08. My niece is also getting married , but in May of 08. Is it wrong for my daughter to set her date before my niece has her wedding? My niece had to wait until they could get the Church for the wedding, because of a waiting list, we have no problem getting the date for my daughter's wedding. Should my in-laws be upset?
  I need some help in writing a note to my future daughter in law I am not good with words and want to express how i feel without being to corny or wrong Can you help me
  Hello Valerie, My daugher and her fiancé decided to marry (5/5/06) in Hawaii, because he was to deploy less than 3 weeks for six months. They had a ceremony on the beach with a few friends (no family) in attendance followed by a small, informal reception. Now that deployments are behind them for a few years, we would like to have their marriage blessed in front of family and friends here on the East Coast. Is this acceptable? Can she wear the wedding dress of her dreams and have her father escort her down the aisle? Can we have a reception? How would we word the Save the Date and invitation so as not to confuse?
  My friend's boyfriend of 9 years has a son being marrried soon. The bride did not send an invitation to the father of the groom (thought over 300 invites were sent) but insteead in the presence of his long term girlfriend said "you know you are invited" but did not include her. The son and my friend are on good terms and have a good relationship, shouldn't the bridge and groom had invited her as well? Also shouldn't her children, of whom the bridge and groom also know well, be invited. I say this is an etiquette faux pa. My friend is not sure whether she should just attend or if they are just etiquette ignorant.
  my 29 year son has just gotten enjaged, which i am delighted to hear. my concern is my daughter (is little sister) was killed in a car accident on aug 21,2006. we are nit sure how we can include her memoery in the wedding & all that goes with it. any advice is welcome. thank you


Copyright 2004-2019 Valerie's Weddings Privacy Statement   Terms Of Use